Posted by: Jo Ann Chase | May 24, 2011

OPRAH: ENOUGH ALREADY!

I love Oprah – or at least I have loved her from time to time over the 25 years of her reign on national afternoon TV. Many of those years coincided with my time at home and she was always a welcome guest at 4 PM ( meltdown time for mommies) . Plus, to be perfectly honest, when she was overweight I was too, and that was truly comforting at 4 PM when you really, really could eat anything in the house that isn’t nailed down.

As anyone who is not in solitary confinement in North Korea must know: IT IS HER LAST SEASON. This promotion has been going on non-stop since September.
Gayle talks about it on the radio, Promos ( same ones repeated way too often) have hysterical women screaming about how excited they got when they saw a HEADSET at Harpo.
It’s has begun to feel like a religion in which I do not believe.
OK – it IS a religion and that’s my whole point. It has gotten way too Elmer Gantry for my poor agnostic self to deal with.
Oprah has done wonderful things for many people. She has done more, I think, for race relations particularly between women than anyone else in history – and that is a huge deal.
But she has also had a lot of makeover shows and stupid celebrity ass-kissing shows, and given away ” her favorite things” to audiences who become multi-orgasmic at receiving a pair of Tory Burch shoes or a waffle maker. ( and who pays the taxes on these gifts, I have always wanted to know) – because the IRS does come after you for market value!!
I think I began to see the light during the inteminably hyped shows in Australia – when the whole harbor in Sydney was lit up with your initial ( you only need one), and there were fireworks and even more tears – although surely you knew what was planned.
Just maybe a tad too much even for YOU, “O.”
But comes a time, when you believe your own bullshit a little too much, when you think you truly are “divinely inspired,” and you have billions of dollars and talk about your money your houses and your plane just a little too much. Then it’s time to go.
So, lovely beautiful, brilliant Oprah – I look forward to seeing you around town.
Enjoy your gorgeous house – and your other houses… relax a little.
This network thing is not gonna fly – not the way it is now anyway. – So unless you do a major reshuffle, and get away from teaching “soul” stuff and curing physical and psychiatric diseases in ten minutes.. you may have some downtime soon.
I love that you created a Girl’s School in South Africa, although I always wondered why it wasn’t in New Orleans or South LA or Brooklyn, but it’s an amazing accomplishment.
I love that you have embraced your body and are not obsessed with weight anymore. That’s a life lesson. I only wish I had the juice to get designers to take apart fabulous gowns and make them a little bigger for me to wear too.
Now, put down the kleenex, pack up the hair guy and the make up lady and the stylist and relax.
By the way, I’d love to know if you have helped your HUGE and devoted staff to get new jobs?
Just a thought.

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Posted by: Jo Ann Chase | May 19, 2011

Ave Maria

There she was: one of the best Kennedys. Her father ran the Peace Corps, and her mother worked tirelessly for decades on behalf of the Special Olympics. Maria was ( and is) very attractive, if extremely thin, and bright, talented and articulate as a news person on NBC TV.

So, whom does she marry? ARNOLD SHWARZENEGGER: former Austrian weight lifter and porn star, current actor and real estate magnate and Big Deal International Movie Star. ( He was said to be ENORMOUSLY well endowed.) Seriously,I read that bit many times before this all started). Plus, how could he not have been a little bit Nazi?

So, Devout Catholic and Good Girl, Our Maria, marries him, and he decides to run for Governor as a Republican. She gives up her reporting work because it ” wouldn’t
be appropriate while he was in politics,” and has four children with him.
She begins to run a terrific Women’s Conference every year, and is very close to Oprah!
That, in itself is a great asset. Besides being fun, Big O can certainly help her career comeback.. I see a series for her on Oprah’s new, largely unwatched TV channel, OWN.
Always there are rumours about Arnold ” groping” women and why not, that’s what movie sets are for. He admitted to the groping years ago, but said everyone did it.
Years go by, there is , of course, a “faithful” housekeeper/ family retainer who is fairly blowsy looking but probably passionate. ( people like this always keep good help).
And someone seduces someone else. Naturally, he wouldn’t deign to use protection, and she may well have been afraid to demand that he do, so there is a child. There is always a child.
This little boy is born two weeks before Maria’s last son is born.
The maid stays another ten years, doing the laundry, cleaning, and cooking for the four children, and then she retires, is given severence and secret child support and a house is bought for her and what they call the ” Love Child” in Bakersfield for $230,000. Hardly love, wouldn’t you say? Have you ever been to Bakersfield?
Just before leaving the Governorship ( at which he did a TERRIBLE job), The Governor and Maria buy property just up the road from us. We see the Governor’s car, the security. he appears at the Santa Barbara Athletic Club quite frequently. Everyone thinks it is pretty cool: they’ll be neighbors. But, it seems now, that like Al and Tipper, they will not both live there. I can’t imagine SHE would want to live on the road to Ojai as lovely as it is – so will they sell it, or will he use it for weekend assignations?. Or, on the other hand, perhaps she would like to have a weekend place near Oprah! We better tell her that the Albertson’s in Carpinteria has become bagless!!
After he left office, he told Ave Maria about the housekeeper’s baby. Apparently the kid is the spitting image of our hero. ( Maria was dining with Oprah when he phoned her – wouldn’t you love your life’s traumas to happen with Oprah at your side?)
MARIA FREAKED and left for a Beverly Hills hotel. Good Girl!!
Never mind that No Divorce thing preached by the Catholic Church – everyone has her limits.
Groping is one thing – your spouse’s baby, conceived in YOUR bed with the housekeeper, running around your house playing with your kids is quite another.
So why is this interesting? She had everything before she had him: she is beautiful, bright, moneyed and energetic. She could have married lots of men who might have treated her as she deserved to be treated.
But she must have loved him. it cannot have been for power, can it? She already had a family to whom power had been part of life for generations. Real Power. Lasting power. Of course, many of the Kennedy men cheated,( while the women wore mantilas and said their rosaries), but her dad seemed like a lovely man.
So, let’s assume she loved Arnie at one point in time. She gave up a lot for him – and he made fun of her weight. ( She became thinner and thiner), and then he screws around with the maid who is pretty chunky. The cheating went on apparently even during the day, in HER OWN bed): a guy likes a woman with a little flesh on her bones who doesn’t want to disscuss policy questions as pillow talk.
Plus why pay for a hotel and drag your security guys into it? So convenient.
I hope the housekeeper changed the sheets when they were done. Imagine poor Maria getting the wet spot.
I hope Maria is Done, and that their kids will be OK at some point.
So he destroyed a family to get laid. Happens. Or, and this is where it gets interesting: is it sheer hubris that allows these guys to screw anyone they wish, WITHOUT contraception, and just go one making speeches and telling others how to live their lives?
Yes, it is the latter. ( see the former head of the International Monetary Fund currently in jail for rape). Another maid, this one from Africa – raped in a hotel suite she was trying to clean. But there is no cleaning up the mess these guys make, is there?
Unlss you are all sick of this story already, please comment and tell me what you think about it.
Posted by: Jo Ann Chase | May 1, 2011

The Jewish Princess Is over The Royals!

Can it be true? My lifelong obsession and identification with the British Royal family seems to to be waning if not completely over. However shall I fill my time?

They ( the Royals), I might mention, have never given me or anyone like me, a thought let alone been obsessed with what I wear, whom I marry or my facial expressions. “Poor Them” – as my Brit friends might say.
As an only child in Brooklyn I dreamed of being a Princess – and not just any Princess, but one with POWER. In my small bedroom, its only window facing over ugly rooftops with the magic of Manhattan out of reach, I fantasized about giving wonderful gifts, meting out delicious punishments ( to nasty little playmates, horrid teachers and elderly relatives), and thought a lot about what my wardrobe would be.
I followed the lives of Elizabeth ( Lillibet) and Margaret Rose ( the unlucky one). How brave they were to have stayed in Buckingham Palace during the bombing – with only a skeleton staff to heat up the tinned beans.
When Diana came upon the scene I devoured every word and photo much as she devoured everything and then vomited. I even envied her Bulemia! I tried a few times to stick a manicured finger down my throat, but my fattening treats sadly stayed down.
How ROYAL of her to be able to throw up her rice puddings and still look amazing. I hear the breath wasn’t great, though.
When she died, I was genuinely heartbroken, and watched every second of the TV coverage much as I had followed the Kennedy assasination moment by moment.
So, naturally I woke up at 3 AM this past Friday to watch Kate ( daughter of a party planning family actually less classy than my own family, albeit far richer) marry William: A funny looking balding young man who didn’t even stand up straight in church. His brother’s kinda cute, though, wonder who HIS dad was?
Her dress was gorgeous, she was rather gorgeous ( her sister is a piece of work, isn’t she?) and yet, and yet – there was so little passion – the Queen cannot get a smile going, Princess Ann ( always the least attractive Royal) looked like she smelled something unpleasant, and Prince Andrew’s daughters looked positively terrifying. Doesn’t anyone tell them to look in a mirror before they go out. Is it a joke played by Philip Treacy on these sad, homely girls to put them in the most ghastly hats ever imagined? Did no one say ‘ Beatrice, “that hat looks like a spider surounding a vagina)”? Apparently not.
The whole thing is absurd, isn’t it? The carriages, the courtseying, the sheer anachronistic crap of it all.
So, I lay in my Queen sized bed, and watched the whole thing. watched these people who run the Church of England not able to recall the words to the hymns, watched the inability of the Royal Groom to actually LOOK at his bride or touch her in any meaningful way – and I thought:
I AM FREE AT LAST”
These silly, absurdly rich people are horrible, entitled and living off the backs of poor people in England who got to have a whole day off and sit around drinking beer and waving paper Union Jacks during the proceedings. Bread and circuses is what it is and always was.
My favorite thing was the rather unattractive bridesmaid child who kept her hands over her ears – better her hands over her eyes).
My least favorite thing was the extraordinarily passionless kiss. Now I certainly didn’t expect them to make out in a major way on the balcony ( that would have been as bad as the kiss with no touching ), but, God, William, put an arm around the girl – she’s lost so much weight to marry you – at least hold her up a little bit.
So off they go back to wherever it is in Wales they live whilst he ‘ flies helicoptors” to await the Royal honeymoon, and we shall soon see her looking perfect every day and then, soon too, perfectly pregnant.
I’ll just take a nice dowager house somewhere on one of the estates and a simple staff of a cook, housekeeper, dresser ( oh yes – a dresser -absolutely), private secretary and a lady in waiting ( what are they waiting for anyway?) and , as long as they don’t interrupt my naps, I’ll open the odd hospital or launch the random yacht.
But I am so over it. Can you not tell?
Good Luck Kids -Don’t worry too much about the budget – things will work out. You’ll never have to apply for a mortgage or lease a car or pay a bill. Poor babies.

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